In Chains and In Freedom

When Londo was poisoned I was furious but as a Centauri lady one should be prim and proper, hold their tongue and take out revenge via a well thought out plan. I had in truth laid the plan of silent retribution into action. I was prepared to play the silent game of chess that underlay every Centauri action. I tried hard, so hard to stick with my plan of action but when she walked in with that smug smile it tried every ounce of my self-control. The pleasure that crept into her expression as she looked at Londo on his death bed was too much for any polite gesture to follow.

My fists balled up and I punched Lady Mariel right in the face in the middle of MedLab. It was much more satisfying to see the blood on her lip then it was to verbally terrorize her later.

I don’t regret it. Regret and shame are not always the same thing. In fact I am rather proud to have stood up to her so defiantly. The shame though comes from elsewhere. The court always keen on finding insulting nicknames for me started to call me “The Ambassador’s Little Barbarian”. Barbarian of course classifying me with the Narn a great insult among the Centauri. Do not take me for having a hatred of the Narn race because I do not. It is simply that most Centauri see that as a horrible offense. The nobles ensured that I did not forget that deed. Even to this day I hear them whisper that name. It shames me to be referred to in such a derogatory manner, as if whore and other less savory terms already in use were not bad enough. Still given the chance to repeat that moment I would have chose no other action. Shame from one’s actions in times like the one I faced is much less painful then the personal shame one would feel from inaction.


Crossposted to theatrical_muse

Manni: "Lola?"
Lola: "Hmh?"
Manni (curious): "If I was dying right now, what would you do?"
Lola (determined): "I wouldn't let you die."







Adira looked out the shuttle’s small window at the station and cringed. She tried to block out the memories not just of her time on board and the betrayal of the man who now lay dying but of her slavery in general. Now it seemed the station was about to add one more bad memory to its repertoire, this one a true waking nightmare. She sighed heavily turning back to the small mirror to don her veil.

She wasn’t sure if the veil was an attempt to hide from people or from the memories. It didn’t really matter at the moment, only the promise echoing in her thoughts. “I will always be here when you need me.” She held back the tears brought by those words that seemed so lost in the past. “This may be your last chance to fulfill this promise to the man you love.” The thought renewed the stream of tears that had barely stopped since she spoke to Vir over an hour ago.

She wore one of her opera dresses as Adira had resigned herself to the attire of a grieving Centauri woman. The dark black purple dress and matching lace veil were not the traditional black and silver but they would have to do.

Turning from the mirror she gazed at the brooch. She was afraid to touch it but sighing again she gently cupped it in her hand. She could not wear it or all of the sneaking about would be in vain. Those she wished to avoid knew it, knew that she bore it like her hearts and in truth it was a symbol of her hearts and the man who waited for her. Adira could not fathom being without it, not at this moment and so she compromised slipping it into her skirts hidden pocket.

At last she picked up the choker, an image of Li and Morgoth embracing; her lips pressed to his brow and his teeth buried deep in her chest. Adira felt like Li, like some great maw was devouring her hearts. She closed the clasp and wiped the last of the tears from her cheeks as she felt the ship docking.

She felt on the verge of judgment day, at the very end of all things as she walked toward the catwalk that would lead to the docking bay. Alexia met her and took her arm, his eyes full of concern as he felt the shaking that consumed her.

They descended the ramp and she saw the two Narn waiting for her. Na’Toth had assured her that she would be cleared before arriving but Alexia would have to go through customs. She watched him blankly as he walked off toward security.

“Lady Silas, it is an honor to meet you.” The Narn greeted her formally but Adira was lost. She recognized this place, this dock. It was where the shuttle had stood, the one that had whisked her from the station home what now seemed like an eternity ago. She could almost still see Londo looking at her through the open door between the bay and the waiting area. His longing gaze and love as she walked away to freedom. The tears returned and the shaking threatened to topple her from her shaking legs.

“Lady Silas, is there a problem?” The Narn’s simple question returned her gaze to the present. Adira shook her head “no” and began the long walk to the torment that awaited her.

It was like walking to the executioners block; every step necessary and every inch closer to the destination increasing the terror of what waited at the end. As planned they skirted the Zocalo through brown sector and met Alexia just before entering Blue 1. Adira could barely walk, her body wracked with fear and memories and the impending loss that seemed to be stalking her from the shadows. “If you had stayed here with him perhaps this wouldn’t have happened.” The thought added guilt to the already overpowering emotions.

Alexia took her arm again and led her silently through the halls toward medlab. She froze a few feet from the door; too terrified by what she had imagined within; too afraid to face his still body, no laughter, no smile, only an unnatural silence. She buried her face in Alexia’s shoulder tears burning dryly in her eyes.

He gently wrapped his arm around her and urged her to continue. She didn’t dare look up as she heard the familiar sound of the door sliding open. Her hearts felt as if they would stop as she hesitantly looked up.

On the bed in the middle of the room lay her unspoken nightmare. The man that she loved lay there dying and the horror of the image swept across her burning the scene into her mind; branding her forever with the very image of hell. She was frozen unable to move, unable to look away and at the whim of the rising urge to run despite her tear blurred vision and weak, numb limbs.

“Londo” the words were a cracking whisper as she broke from her paralysis and ran to the bedside. Her fingers brushed his cheek and the cold, clammy skin that greeted her touch took her breath. “No.” it was barely a whisper as she buried her face in her palms unable to face the sight before her. “Please Li, My Goddess, spare him. Don’t condemn me to your pain again.” The prayer was silent as she took his hand and pressed her lips to his fingers.

“I am here for you, My Ambassador.” She whispered hoping that perhaps he could hear her.

Vir’s words came flooding back, “Mariel’s gift.” She turned to ask Alexia what had caused this evil but he was no longer beside her. She looked around the room panicked until her eyes fell on him speaking with the doctor. Then she saw it in his hands, the porcelain figurine of a woman. It was the tool of a female assassin. Adira remembered a similar piece at the Davo Festival, from a museum on Centauri Prime.

Adira’s breath caught. Mariel was a friend and Adira tried desperately to believe it had been an accident that someone else had sold it to her to pin the assassination on her but this. She had forgotten to breathe as her mind swirled with her original suspicion, a suspicion she now knew to be true. Mariel knew it was booby trapped.

She took a deep gasping breath like a swimmer who had almost drowned, then quickly looked away her eyes falling on Londo’s ashen cheeks. Rage was beginning deep inside, the kind caused by betrayal and breaking hearts. It threatened to consume her and was only held at bay by the continued sound of Londo’s wispy breath.

Adira stood staring blankly from under her veil. She didn’t know what to do and so she did the only thing she could. She sang softly in her tear broken voice to comfort him if he could still hear her. The tears came in a flood as she felt her soul slipping away with his life.


OOC: Quote is the opening lines from the script of Run Lola Run. Additional note on the title of the entry.. it comes from This conversation between Adira and Mariel.